Selfishness often receives a negative reputation, and in many cases, rightfully so. Nobody likes individuals who monopolize resources or refuse to share, likely because we see in them a reflection of our own latent greed. Despite claiming to care about others, we still have a tendency to prioritize our own interests, as humorously pointed out by the comedian George Carlin in one of his jokes.
However, being entirely selfless can also have its drawbacks. If we constantly put others before ourselves, neglecting our own needs and desires, it can lead to what one Tibetan Buddhist teacher calls “idiot compassion,” where we become pushovers and fail to advocate for ourselves.
Striking a balance between self-interest and concern for others is essential. I recently had the privilege of traveling to Dharamshala, India, for a rare interview with His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who is now 87 years old and doesn’t often grant interviews. As a writer and podcast host focusing on happiness, I greatly admire the Dalai Lama, but I confess to having conflicting feelings about him. On one hand, his life story is extraordinary, having been recognized as the spiritual and political leader of Tibet at the tender age of two. Despite facing challenges such as exile and Chinese repression, he became a global figure, promoting compassion and altruism while fostering scientific research into meditation.
Nevertheless, the Dalai Lama’s relentless advocacy for kindness and generosity sometimes triggers feelings of impostor syndrome in me. As an emanation of a Buddhist deity of compassion, Avalokiteshvara, he symbolizes a thousand-armed being scanning the world for suffering. In my low moments, I can’t help but feel like I’m a thousand-armed being myself, but my hands are preoccupied with seeking self-centered gratification.
During our interview, the Dalai Lama introduced the concept of “wise selfishness,” which elegantly dismantles the false dichotomy between selfishness and selflessness. He explained that self-interest is natural and nothing to be ashamed of, but enlightened self-interest involves recognizing that acting generously and altruistically leads to greater personal happiness than focusing solely on oneself.
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This notion of wise selfishness illustrates the porous nature of the boundary between self-interest and other-interest, as described by organizational psychologist Adam Grant as “otherish.” According to the Dalai Lama, adopting a more compassionate mindset is the best way to fulfill one’s own interests. He emphasized that altruism doesn’t mean completely ignoring our own needs.
This insight resonated with me, as I tend to be self-critical. Wise selfishness doesn’t mean giving up on personal ambitions. In fact, the Buddha’s teachings on “right livelihood” from over 2,600 years ago, which encourage avoiding harm to others, don’t preclude material success. Some of the Buddha’s devoted followers were wealthy merchants.
Our modern society emphasizes individualism, consumerism, and seeking validation through social media likes, trapping us in exhausting loops of self-involvement. However, research supports the Dalai Lama’s perspective, as generous people who also consider their own interests tend to be the most successful in professional contexts. This virtuous spiral of kindness leading to increased happiness and well-being reinforces the positive effects of compassionate behavior.
To cultivate wise selfishness, we can employ several strategies. Loving-kindness meditation, where we extend kind thoughts to ourselves and others, has been found to increase social connectedness and reduce depression. Engaging in positive interactions with strangers and dedicating everyday tasks to benefit all beings are also effective practices. Small acts of generosity, like holding the door open or offering a compliment, can create a “helper’s high” that benefits both the giver and the recipient.
Although change takes time, we can gradually turn towards altruism while acknowledging that we are imperfect beings. Rather than comparing ourselves to the Dalai Lama, we can use his example as a guiding star, reminding us that we can all develop our capacity for compassion. Even those who fear their inherent selfishness can make meaningful strides towards a more other-oriented mindset. Embracing both selfishness and selflessness in a harmonious balance can lead to personal and societal well-being, benefiting everyone involved.
